“God Purifies Those Who Purify Themselves”

Amanda Keesee

Sexuality has always been a contentious issue within the church and within homeschool communities. However, with the rise of the MeToo and ChurchToo movements in the past several years, millennials have been reexamining the ideals which they had been taught. It began with a rise of the hashtag #KissShameBye from people directing their hurt and anger towards one particular best-selling author that had been the poster child and role model of the purity movement: Joshua Harris.

The 1997 book I Kissed Dating Goodbye  (also known as IKDG) impacted the evangelical subculture globally, becoming the unofficial textbook for dating and relationships for many. Yet when these young people grew up, they lashed out because of broken dreams and a legalistic system that had failed them. In 2018, while Harris attended Regent college, he and a fellow student created the documentary I Survived I Kissed Dating Goodbye where he listened to the stories of others and apologized for the way his book affected their lives. In July of 2019 he officially announced that he was divorcing his wife and leaving the faith. I was shaken when I heard the news. I had read his books, and others like them, voraciously throughout my teenage years. His teaching and life example had been venerated by homeschool parents and youth leaders who influenced me. (Disclaimer: Homeschooling is as varied as the people who are in those communities. Any description of homeschool culture is taken from my experiences with it, and does not speak for every single family. However, there are some general experiences we share.) In the wake of his fallout, I realized that I needed to reexamine what I had been

certain to be true for so long.

So what happened? On the surface, these purity books have very noble intentions – calling for relationships to be other-centered and promoting good Christian values. They even expressly say in their material that their goal was always to reevaluate the way Christians view relationships, not be legalistic about it. Purity books were supposed to have the solutions to the pressing issues of cohabitation and divorce. As Heather Arnel Paulsen wrote in her book Emotional Purity,

If Christian singles made a pledge not to pursue a deeply intimate relationship with another person without the explicit intent of taking the relationship to marriage, I believe there would be more people married and fewer divorces in the Christian culture.

These ideas have now been tested in American evangelicalism for the past twenty years, yet there is still just as much divorce and fewer people getting married. 

This paper will examine the background behind how the sub-genre of purity self-help came to be. The material itself will be examined to see what the underlying theological claims are. Finally there will be an evaluation on what the Christian response should be moving forward.

In the 90’s and 00’s, purity self-help books were the theological guidebooks for relationships in conservative evangelical communities, elevating them to a status nearly equal to the Bible.

What Happened?

The reason why purity self-help books even exist is two-fold: neo-fundamentalism and neo-evangelicalism. 

Neo-Fundamentalism

The first aspect lies in the bedrock of the homeschool movement: neo-fundamentalism. This sub-sect of conservative Christianity morphed from the theological fundamentalist movement of the early twentieth century. At that time, there was a push in academic theology to be skeptical of the spiritual aspects of the Bible; aspects including miracles, the virgin birth, and a seven day creation. Some Christian writers and leaders were vocal about staying true to the “fundamentals” of the faith, thus birthing the fundamentalist movement. The motive behind this was admirable – a desire to stay true to orthodox faith. However, by the middle of the century, some leaders morphed this good desire to avoid heresy into a militant separatism. This is what is known as neo-fundamentalism. The enemy was no longer a theological ideology. Rather, “They identified a new and more pervasive enemy, secular humanism, which they believed was responsible for eroding churches, schools, universities, the government, and above all families. They fought all enemies which they considered to be offspring of secular humanism – evolutionism, political and theological liberalism, loose personal morality, sexual perversion, socialism, communism, and any lessening of the absolute, inerrant authority of the Bible.” 

There was a push from some pockets of conservative Christianity to separate from worldly ideologies as much as humanly (and divinely) possible. So parents pulled their children from the humanistic public schools to instill godly values at home. This was a holistic separation, involving not only curriculum but also political alignments, media choices, clothing, and even food. This protection against the world was fortified by standards and rules. Christian homes clamored to have all the right elements and methods to create the perfect “Christian family”. What grew from this reactionary, separatist movement was an obsession with finding the best practices and formulas to attain the desired results. This is rooted in a desire for control – a notion that human wisdom (or biblical principles) can create the holiest people. In other words, a cult of technique. 

So what does all this neo-fundamentalism and separatism have to do with the spiritual discipline of side-hugging? A contributing factor to purity culture is the generational context. These homeschooling parents were mostly Baby Boomers – people who came of age in the “free love” culture and the sexual revolution of the late 60s and early 70s. They made choices they regretted, and did not want the same for their children. Also the rise of divorce and abortion was extremely disconcerting. They wanted to avoid these things at all cost. Homeschool curriculum, at the time, heavily relied on books. While there were many wonderful resources for history, literature, and science, parents realized that their budding teenagers lacked a curriculum for navigating romantic relationships. But where could one find such a book?

Neo-evangelicalism

This is where the purity self-help book’s second dimension of neo-evangelicalism comes into play. The term evangelical has been used since the Reformation. Its definition and ideals, much like fundamentalism, started out simply, but morphed and changed with the times. Neo-evangelicalism was also developed in the mid-twentieth century, the prominent figurehead being Billy Graham. The world-renowned preacher was a pioneer in using new mediums and technologies for the proclamation of the gospel. He rallied the country in stadiums across America, and reached thousands more with the new technology of television.

This magnificent success became an inspiration for other Christian people and organizations to use the mediums of the culture and “redeem” it in such a way that could be used for sharing the gospel and growing the church. They adopted many different new technologies and mediums, disconnected from tradition. Joshua Harris observed this in an interview in April 2018,

“A lot of our movements in the evangelical world are driven by fads. They’re driven by book sales, they’re driven by conferences, they’re driven by different things that roll through. Nobody stops to evaluate whether it is good or bad, it’s just on to the next thing.” 

This is a tradition that existed before Graham, but was heightened by his popularity.

The sub-genre of self-help as we know it today is actually relatively new. Do-it-yourself books have been around since the eighteenth century, giving advice in things such as practicing law or farming. However, authoritative books in the realms of psychology, influence, and relationships did not really come to prominence until the twentieth century. Dale Carnegie’s 1937 book How to Win Friends and Influence People is considered a quintessential success. However, it was a different juggernaut of a book that propelled the self-help industry. In 1967, Thomas A. Harris, a psychiatrist, published a book titled I’m OK – You’re OK. It was a raving hit, and changed things in two ways:

“It answered any remaining questions about the viability of self-help publishing as an ongoing genre…. Although Harris strained for an upbeat tone and always insisted that he intended his book as a blueprint for happier living, the overriding inflection was that most people aren’t ok.”

This inflection of negativity is hauntingly similar to another popular book by a man by the name of Harris, but that will be further discussed later.

Another important historical aspect was the rise of the Christian bookstore. They were at their zenith in the 90s. A cultural haven full of attractive resources for the savvy, faith-based consumer. Homeschooling also saw a rise during the 90’s. America was beginning to recognize it as a legitimate alternative education. With that acceptance, many more organizations and conferences were established. The central point of any conference is the vendor hall, and Christian publishers were more than willing to supply the demands of all types of books and curriculum. 

All of these cultural, theological, and historical elements created the climate in 1997 for the perfect storm of a book that was I Kissed Dating Goodbye. Joshua Harris wasn’t the first, and he definitely wasn’t the last, to write a book about purity in romantic relationships. However, he bridged the gap between neo-fundamentalism and neo-evangelicalism. The obsession with technique and the obsession with new-fangled methodologies and media were joined in holy matrimony, and birthed the purity self-help book. This was the romantic companion to the Bible that homeschooling parents had been clamoring for.

What do they say?

So what on earth did these people write that has been causing such a severe backlash in recent times? When IKDG was first released, it was a smash hit for leaders and laypeople alike. This and subsequent books were praised for being full of biblical truth and avoiding legalism. But today the census has been that purity books weren’t biblical and caused legalistic attitudes. So was it the fault of these authors? Was it the fault of homeschooling communities? The answer is yes. Many of the popular authors of purity self-help books came from fundamentalist communities. Knowing their ideological background gives a lens to their theology.

The primary supposition seen in many of these books is the notion that the heart is a consumable resource. This is the point of Heather Arnel Paulsen’s Emotional Purity.

Broken hearts do not mend easily. With every emotional tie that is damaged by an emotional breakup, little pieces of the heart are lost. If this happens too often, a person can have permanent emotional damage. The more broken pieces, the more difficult is a future spouse’s repair. Our goal is to give our mates whole hearts that can become emotionally intimate quickly.

There is no biblical or psychological support for this premise. Life experience and certain personalities can also refute this argumentation. However, for impressionable young women like myself, Paulsen’s life story was very relatable, and that shared experience opened our hearts to teaching that was simply not true.

There are messages of grace stated throughout these books. None of them claims that being pure ensures salvation. Many of them have the gospel message within them – that Jesus went to the cross to pay the penalty of our sins. However, these homeschooling communities were birthed from avoiding lines and holding themselves to higher standards. Thus, the implicit ideologies of the author leak into his writing, and the readers, with their presuppositions, emphasize what they see. Some may counter that these books, and IKDG in particular expressly say that they should not be used as formulas. But self-help books, as a medium, are meant to give formulas as solution for a problem.

For those who still contend that these books are not emphasizing legalism, consider this specific example. Chapter 6 in IKDG, “The Direction of Purity: How to Get on the Road to Righteousness.”, is Joshua Harris’ roadmap to sexual purity. He outlines how dating relationships lead to a slippery slope of temptation and compromise. He compares a Christian couple’s slide into impurity to the adulterous woman in Proverbs 7. What is his solution to avoid this demise? To set the standards too high. He presents Billy Graham as an illustration. During his crusade days, Graham made a pact with a few close companions to not be alone with another woman, who was not his wife, in order to avoid sexual compromise. Harris continues,

“Mr. Graham has earned the respect of the world by his faithfulness and integrity. How did Billy Graham do this when so many others failed? He set his standards too high – he went above and beyond the call of righteousness.”

This attitude of going beyond the call of righteousness is actually seen within the scriptural narrative. The Old Testament is the story of how God’s chosen people continually disobeyed Him by turning to other gods and worshipping them. After centuries of gracious waiting and warning, the Lord finally exiled the Israelites to Babylonia for seventy years. During what is called the intertestamental period, the religious leaders wanted to prevent another uprooting from the land. So, to avoid getting even close to breaking the Mosaic Law, many extraneous strictures and boundaries were set to avoid getting even close to crossing the line. By the time that Jesus arrived, These extra regulations listed in the hundreds. They became a great burden upon the laypeople, and the Pharisees became obsessed with following the letter of the law rather than being concerned with what the law was intended to do.  In a similar way, Harris unintentionally equipped leaders in homeschool communities with supposedly expert support for rules and regulations that laid overbearing and unreasonable burdens on homeschooled millennials.

Another fundamental flaw of purity self-help books is that the authors do not recognize that just because they add specific disclaimers does not mean that their audiences will glean those messages. For example, in his book, Sex Is Not the Problem (Lust Is), Harris strongly discourages the practice of legalism. Part of his definition of legalism is: “Seeking to achieve forgiveness from God and acceptance by God through my obedience to God.” (emphasis mine) Yet in IKDG, there are three instances where he states that “obedience impresses God.” It is definitely plausible to say that one could interpret that acceptance and being impressed are very similar. Therefore, a culture that already emphasizes strict obedience to God’s word takes those ideas even further. Ironically, this obsession to hold to the standards of God’s word is undermined by authors consistent proof-texting. They pull verses out of their historical and genre contexts and contort them to fit with the desired ideologies.

As I was rereading IKDG and a few other books for this project, I was shaken by how much they had contributed in shaping my own theology. I ate up these books throughout my junior high and high school years. 13-year-old me would have agreed that the only way to attain righteousness is through Christ’s crucifixion. However, I deeply believed that the only way to maintain that righteousness was to strive to be blameless before God. The attitudes of guilt and fear, which are prevalent in these books as well as homeschooling culture, were my motivators in living rightly before God. The extreme deemphasis on the Holy Spirit and the total omission of the doctrine of Christ indwelling led me to internalize the belief that I had to live rightly within my own strength. The externalization of that in my life was frustration and despair. I still find echoes of those beliefs in the way I practice my faith and react to circumstances. 

What Now?

In light of the history behind purity self-help books and their ideals, as well as the present brokenness and hurt, how should believers respond? What should be done moving forward? There are three audiences to address when considering the future. 

Christian Publishers

First, Christian publishers need a higher standard for their content than the standards of the world. In publishing today, the three  ideal criteria for an author to be signed for a deal are: a platform (or an established following), a good idea, and skilled writing. Instructional books, as a medium, imply that the person writing is an expert, or at the very least knowledgeable about the topic. However, “the only difference between a self-help reader and a self-help writer may be ‘that the writer can write well enough to get a book deal.’” The topic of marriage is one that is very theologically rich, since it is an everyday parable of the relationship between Christ and His church. When an elderly couple has a lifetime behind them of faithfulness to the Lord and to each other, it is an encouragement to the believers around them.

So are these purity self-help authors wizened theologians? Far from it. Joshua Harris was 21 when IKDG was published. He was single, and the longest relationship he had at that point had been two years. He had a following because he created a magazine for homeschoolers and was well connected within conservative Christian circles. (His parents knew people like Joel Belz, Michael Farris, and Randy Alcorn) He had not had formal biblical training, but was studying to be a pastor at a church in Maryland. Heather Arnel Paulsen, author of Emotional Purity, was single and had never been in a relationship when her book was published. She seems to have been in her 20s, with her only discernible occupation being stay-at-home daughter. Dannah Gresh, author of And the Bride Wore White, was in her 30’s and had been married for at least several years. However, her and her husband were marketing consultants, with no known theological background. Eric and Leslie Ludy, authors of When God Writes Your Love Story, were in their 20s and had only been married five years.

All of these authors had admirable intentions in writing their books. Their desire was to help Christians navigate romantic relationships in a godly manner. However, their concerns did not cover their relative inexperience in marriage and/or handling the Word of God, “rightly dividing the word of truth.” This mishandling caused repercussions within Christian communities.

Teaching as a believer is a dangerous business that has eternal ramifications.

Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness. For we all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body. (James 3:1-2, ESV)

Relationship books should not be written if the purpose is to solve a problem. The author needs to not only write out of a place of love and concern for people, but with a deep reverence for how their words may influence others, and how their audience will read it. If a book intends to instruct using the word of God, Christian publishing houses need to treat these works with extra care and be much more scrutinizing with their authors. The health of human souls is at stake.

Christian Leaders

Ministers and parents who homeschool need to evaluate more carefully what kinds of books to use to teach their children, and who those authors are.  They also need to recognize that formulas will not solve individual issues. Not even God Himself gives timeless formulas. He provides principles, but ones that apply in a multitude of contexts and scenarios. Not even the Bible gives a dating equation because He is gracious to work within the context of humanity. Americans are obsessed with finding proven formulas for success.

We are a very doing society… People buy self-help books because they’re looking for answers. The extreme views tend to produce books with bullet points and catchy titles that sell… In general, people in our culture don’t want to think through complex issues. They want to know, “What do I do?” And when that’s the need you’re trying to meet, “There’s going to be a tendency to oversimplify.”  

That is exactly what happened with purity self-help books. Authors gave simplistic answers rooted in their own experiences, while pulling Scripture to validate them. What is desperately needed now are mentors who will walk alongside young people as they navigate these messy issues. There also needs to be a recognition that strictures and formulas will not keep a young person on a path of purity – knowing Jesus does. A life of holiness is one that grows out of a love for the person of Christ and an intimate relationship with Him. Anything separated from that relationship is futile.  

Christian leaders, please do not move on from this issue as if nothing occurred. There have been instances where the church has tried to move past scandals without addressing the hurts of communities. If you long for the healing of a generation, discussion and debate about right practices needs to happen.

Fellow Millennials

Finally, to those who were raised within legalistic communities, the way forward is not to abandon holiness. Many hold to the idea that the methods of interpreting Scripture within purity culture are equated with Christianity in a broader sense. It seems to be that way for Harris, as he said in an interview,

I think I’ve just been so indoctrinated in a certain way of interpreting scripture and viewing sexuality that it’s just hard for me to see the scriptures and its kind of overall, you know, commands and principles and so on and see how that can be consistent.

The Christian life is a recognition that we cannot live a holy life in our own strength. Christ came to redeem us, but He also sent a helper to refine us, to make us more like Him. Much like the Judaizers in Galatians, some homeschooling communities have opted for behavioral evidence for holiness rather than the evidence of the spiritually transforming work of the Spirit. The Christian life is not about being “pure” or “righteous” enough. Rather, it is a complete surrender to and passion for the Father of all things, the Son of Man, and the Helper. 

Christ never promised that if you met all His expectations, that you’d live a happy, love-filled life. In fact, He promised the opposite:

I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. (John 13:33, NIV)

The decision our hearts need to make is do we consider Him worthy of everything. For me, He is.