Tethered

by Meadow Gast

i love when you hold my hand

and we walk together

smiling, laughing, crying

it wasn’t long before you ran ahead

pulled out a rope

and tied me to you

i guess it was the victims fault that i saw it as such a close relationship

it was close, we were tethered, and i didn’t see that being on the wrong end of that rope would be something not relational

i gave you the benefit of the doubt

maybe you knew i wasn’t strong enough to walk on my own, so you wanted to carry me along

maybe you knew i didn’t know where to go, so you wanted to lead me on

maybe you knew i would run off, so you wanted to tie me down

conforming me to your recipe of what Meadow should be

i let you tie me to you

watched you tighten the rope while not even looking at me

and still, you wanted me

i mean you could have picked anyone to drag along, and you chose me

in the beginning we walked side by side,

but there was that rope, already tethering threats of what you could do to me

soon with every one step i took, you took 2

at least there was 3 of you

i worked 4 times as hard to catch up

but you were already 5 steps ahead

let it be said

these 6 simple things are true

1: you stopped looking at me, always looking at something ahead for you

2: you laughed with others as i ran behind trying to catch you to see

3: you pulled the rope, causing me to fall to the floor

4: you dragged me along as if i wasn’t alive

5: you gave no release when i was dragged through the sticks

6: you had no intention of stopping

you were going forward, with or without me, laughing with your friends

there was no way for me to catch up or make amends

suddenly i saw a knife

grabbed it before i was dragged past

i knew then

i didn’t want to admit it then

and i don’t to admit it now

but i could’ve cut the rope then

you would’ve continued on, without even acknowledging me gone

but instead, i cut myself

and the trees watching me spoke to you and you spoke to the trees

and without even looking at me

you tried to get me put in a cage

because the rope wasn’t enough for you

but you couldn’t see

i just wanted to be free

and so you cut the rope yourself

and what i desired for so long

was suddenly too scary to be

i was alone, tethered to the relationships i could still see in front of me

and so i ran ahead

trying to braid our ends back together

but you didn’t try at all

i would pursue and pursue and almost have it tied back together before you yanked your end away

and i sat there in the dust

beneath the trees who had betrayed me

i watched you pull ahead, naive of the fact that i even existed

your laughs echoing farther and farther away

and i watched you

yearned for you

wished for the days we walked together, holding hands

when you first tied me and i gave you the benefit of the doubt

and i sat there, with nothing but my torn rope end and knife still in hand

grieving the loss of the life we had planned

i couldn’t move for days, weeks, months

still in my mind i didn’t want it to be true

i yearned for you

but i have come to realize,

i could stay here in this memory of what used to be

with only broken rope and knife to build my life

or i can turn around

go back to the start of this road on which i was bound

it isn’t easy, traveling backwards i’m losing 3 years

i’m scared for what’s left at the start of this road we walked down hand in hand so long ago

but to stay with broken rope and knife tethered to the dust of what used to be my closest friend

only in hope that you would one day come back for me

i can’t keep giving you the benefit of the doubt

i can’t keep waiting for you, pursuing you, running after you

when you haven’t taken a second glance for the trauma you’ve procured

i guess when you said i would never lose you as a friend, you were lying about that too

and so though i’m terrified of what’s left at the beginning of this road, i will go back, and this time, instead of going through the arch,

i’m turning left, and seeing what god has in store for me