Tethered
by Meadow Gast
i love when you hold my hand
and we walk together
smiling, laughing, crying
it wasn’t long before you ran ahead
pulled out a rope
and tied me to you
i guess it was the victims fault that i saw it as such a close relationship
it was close, we were tethered, and i didn’t see that being on the wrong end of that rope would be something not relational
i gave you the benefit of the doubt
maybe you knew i wasn’t strong enough to walk on my own, so you wanted to carry me along
maybe you knew i didn’t know where to go, so you wanted to lead me on
maybe you knew i would run off, so you wanted to tie me down
conforming me to your recipe of what Meadow should be
i let you tie me to you
watched you tighten the rope while not even looking at me
and still, you wanted me
i mean you could have picked anyone to drag along, and you chose me
in the beginning we walked side by side,
but there was that rope, already tethering threats of what you could do to me
soon with every one step i took, you took 2
at least there was 3 of you
i worked 4 times as hard to catch up
but you were already 5 steps ahead
let it be said
these 6 simple things are true
1: you stopped looking at me, always looking at something ahead for you
2: you laughed with others as i ran behind trying to catch you to see
3: you pulled the rope, causing me to fall to the floor
4: you dragged me along as if i wasn’t alive
5: you gave no release when i was dragged through the sticks
6: you had no intention of stopping
you were going forward, with or without me, laughing with your friends
there was no way for me to catch up or make amends
suddenly i saw a knife
grabbed it before i was dragged past
i knew then
i didn’t want to admit it then
and i don’t to admit it now
but i could’ve cut the rope then
you would’ve continued on, without even acknowledging me gone
but instead, i cut myself
and the trees watching me spoke to you and you spoke to the trees
and without even looking at me
you tried to get me put in a cage
because the rope wasn’t enough for you
but you couldn’t see
i just wanted to be free
and so you cut the rope yourself
and what i desired for so long
was suddenly too scary to be
i was alone, tethered to the relationships i could still see in front of me
and so i ran ahead
trying to braid our ends back together
but you didn’t try at all
i would pursue and pursue and almost have it tied back together before you yanked your end away
and i sat there in the dust
beneath the trees who had betrayed me
i watched you pull ahead, naive of the fact that i even existed
your laughs echoing farther and farther away
and i watched you
yearned for you
wished for the days we walked together, holding hands
when you first tied me and i gave you the benefit of the doubt
and i sat there, with nothing but my torn rope end and knife still in hand
grieving the loss of the life we had planned
i couldn’t move for days, weeks, months
still in my mind i didn’t want it to be true
i yearned for you
but i have come to realize,
i could stay here in this memory of what used to be
with only broken rope and knife to build my life
or i can turn around
go back to the start of this road on which i was bound
it isn’t easy, traveling backwards i’m losing 3 years
i’m scared for what’s left at the start of this road we walked down hand in hand so long ago
but to stay with broken rope and knife tethered to the dust of what used to be my closest friend
only in hope that you would one day come back for me
i can’t keep giving you the benefit of the doubt
i can’t keep waiting for you, pursuing you, running after you
when you haven’t taken a second glance for the trauma you’ve procured
i guess when you said i would never lose you as a friend, you were lying about that too
and so though i’m terrified of what’s left at the beginning of this road, i will go back, and this time, instead of going through the arch,
i’m turning left, and seeing what god has in store for me